Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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