Someone shit on the floor
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
40s are totally the cure
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
