Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
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