oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
