I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
