I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
