Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Randomize
