You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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