Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
where are my eyebrows?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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