ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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