Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
