he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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