i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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