I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
