matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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