my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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