I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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