i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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