Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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