I'm gonna have a badass scar
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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