...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
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