I've blown a few things in my day
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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