I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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