sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
