She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
