its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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