Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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