Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
