I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
