everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
