There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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