woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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