I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
