the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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