It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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