so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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