Fuck appropriateness.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
