He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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