just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
