Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
