dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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