we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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