I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Operation Purity has been aborted
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
