my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
