I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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