My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
