I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
