vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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