Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
