$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
